It’s likely that you haven’t imagined your child in this kind of scenario, but we have. When we discuss the kind of learning environment and learning experiences we want our students to have, we consider what lies ahead and the world that’s waiting for them. We ask ourselves what knowledge, skills, habits, and attitudes we can cultivate in our students that will enable them to one day sit at any kind of table where problems are being solved and decisions are being made. Inevitably, the discussion leads to helping our students develop healthy self-esteem. 

The Lower School is full of girls who are absolutely bursting with confidence and pride. It’s unusual for students in these early stages of life to have a negative opinion of themselves. All kids feel unsure at times and doubt themselves, but overall they like and accept themselves. Yet, girls tend to lose confidence and grow more insecure as they age. Research on the topic has found that boys and girls report very similar feelings about their self worth until puberty begins. At that time, girls’ opinion of themselves drops, and these negative views can persist into adulthood. Studies of adult women in the workplace show that women are more likely than men to hold back from applying for a job or asking for a raise unless they meet 100% of the criteria while men will make an attempt when having only 60% of the qualifications.

What’s holding girls and women back from accepting themselves and trusting their abilities? Centuries of gender inequality probably has something to do with it, but perfectionism is another culprit. When a girl measures her self-worth by her achievements, then she cannot fail because failure generates feelings of worthlessness. A perfectionist cannot tolerate the idea of making a mistake or falling short of meeting a goal. As a result of this all-or-nothing thinking, perfectionists inevitably avoid challenges because the uncertainty of the outcome is too much to bear. It’s not hard to see how the pursuit of perfection limits life experiences. It is much safer to stay safe within the confines of what you know than try something new and risk not being perfect. Opportunities shrink, and so does the girl’s world.

When I meet with new families who are considering Ellis, many of them use words like fearless, determined, curious, spirited, and daring to describe their young daughters. They are considering Ellis precisely because of their interest in preserving that high level of confidence they see in their daughter right now. When I convey to them that growing confident girls is a priority for us, I always talk about getting girls comfortable with being wrong, making mistakes, and failing. I talk about our focus on instilling a growth mindset by emphasizing the idea that you might not be able to do something YET, but if you keep practicing, if you try a new strategy, if you consider looking at it from different perspectives, you will improve. I stress how necessary it is for young children to experience difficulty and then the reward of persevering through obstacles to achieve a feeling of competence. I let parents know that we understand they want their girls to live big lives and that means things are going to get messy. That’s what the plaid kilts and school uniforms are for—messes blend right in!