Let me introduce my (12-year-old) self. I play cymbals in the marching band and I have a xylophone solo in the school musical. I’m on the academic decathlon team and the captain of the track team, specializing in the 400 meters and the 4x100 meter relay. I also run hurdles, but only because I’m one of the few middle schoolers tall enough to make it over them. I play fullback on the soccer team and I want to be a movie star when I grow up, going so far as to draft my acceptance speech after begging my mom to let me stay up to watch the end of the Oscars on a school night.

In middle school, I could do all of those things. And after middle school, I never did any of them again. Not because I couldn’t, or because I wasn’t good at them or didn’t enjoy them, but because I had already begun to whittle away passing interests to concentrate on those activities that would turn into true passions: theater, writing, working, playing softball, spending time with my friends. 

Middle school is the perfect time to try on many hats. The stakes are low, the energy is high, and the possibilities are endless. As your middle schooler prepares to begin this year, ask her what she wants to try. Students who report feeling the most connected and engaged in their school communities are those who are plugged in beyond the classroom. Co-curriculars also help students practice time-management skills and create a sense of balance between what challenges them academically and what fulfills them socially, physically, and emotionally. It’s also a great way to stretch leadership capacity and make new friends.

The goal, of course, isn’t to do everything. (Even in my frenetic middle school days, I was generally only doing one or two of those things at a time.) Over-programming and burnout are real. But finding the right balance of exploration and challenge is so important, as is granting your child autonomy and choice in how she spends her time. As William Stixrud and Ned Johnson write in The Self-Driven Child, “So often, parents want to play Edward Scissorhands and start pruning their child like a tree, but the reality is that your tree has just begun to grow, and you don't even know what kind of tree it is. Maybe it's not a sports tree.” The authors expound on how a lack of control over their lives creates stress and a lack of motivation in young people. But when students feel that they have ownership of their time and energy, not only will they be less anxious, but they will also have increased intrinsic motivation to be successful at whatever it is they choose to do.

So let your child be a painter-ballerina-soccer goalie if that’s what she wants. Maybe she won’t excel at any of those things (at least not in the traditional ways we tend to measure “success”). But maybe through those activities, she’ll discover that she’s really adept at motivating her peers, which inspires her to run for student council.  Or perhaps she’ll gain the awareness that she feels tremendously calm when stretching before a rehearsal, which then translates into a de-stressing routine she practices before bed each day. Maybe painting isn’t her thing, but perhaps it introduces her to her lifelong best friend. If, at the end of the season, your child decides it’s time to move on, that’s okay. But encourage her to reflect on what positive aspects she’ll take away from each experience before she finds her next favorite thing.

Back-to-school time is the most wonderful time of the year. It’s when students have the opportunity to reinvent themselves on that first day of school, trying on and discarding whatever doesn’t quite feel right. Let your little tree grow wild in whatever directions she chooses, knowing that she’s firmly rooted in your love and support.